Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
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when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
*gets down on one knee*
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Smile Twitter, Smile.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.