Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

I’m not sorry.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

Not all heroes wear capes….

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.