*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
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Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Ape together strong
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.