Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

Tastes like chicken.

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.