*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
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*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
mathematically impossible
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.