*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
You Might Also Like
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
much to think about
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.