I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
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Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn