*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
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So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Noah
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Effort made
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office