*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
You Might Also Like
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
life lately
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
worst…sale…ever
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.