*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
You Might Also Like
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
What?
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.