*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
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I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
January is lasting longer than my marriage
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Who.
Did.
This?