Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

Duck typos.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

the chicken was already gone when I got here

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.