[Hires Skywriter]


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HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.


*slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?


People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.


A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.


[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.


My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.


Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is


How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock