HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I DON’T OVERREACT
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*slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
To err is human, to arr is pirate.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock