I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
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Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.