*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Oh the world we live in…
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Brilliant!
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president