Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife