Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

I’m an avid indoorsman.

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself