Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!

Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.

7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat