*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
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[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Cheers Twitter.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.