Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us