Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

liiiiiiiiike

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.