Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.