Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
orange cat behavior
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Yup.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”