Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
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me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
😭😭
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
