Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!