Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

Well well well…

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

I don’t get marriage

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

Science is fun!

#nottrue

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

Don’t forget to tip your server