Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.