*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
My circle of trust is a meatball
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?