*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
You Might Also Like
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends