Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one