Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.