Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
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[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
this has done me in for some reason
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!