Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

Dudes named Chance never had one.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.