Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.