I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
If I had £1 for every good decision I’d ever made in my life I’d have £0
Angry beavers can’t get our packaging open, but go ahead and try in your weakened state lol
-cold medicine companies
angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine
god: murder hornets
god: murder hornets everywhere
angel: why god
god: 2020 mf
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I know 5 people who are clinically insane
I’m two of them…