Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
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[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
inventing words: clothing
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.