@Swoosh61

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

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@JoshuaHvr

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

@Mostly_Cheese

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

@stephenjmolloy

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

@AndyLeeman91

If I had £1 for every good decision I’d ever made in my life I’d have £0

@thebeckyard

Angry beavers can’t get our packaging open, but go ahead and try in your weakened state lol

-cold medicine companies

@pilau

angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine

god: murder hornets

angel: what

god: murder hornets everywhere

angel: why god

god: 2020 mf

@GrantTanaka

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son