Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”