His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
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Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*