His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
You Might Also Like
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Yes my dude
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.