“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
You Might Also Like
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.