“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
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My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.