His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Love this one 😂🧟
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
dictator is short for richard potato
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.