His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II