Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

Just this preview of the story is enough

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.