His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
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My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
life lately
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Just had my nails done!
Guy who likes music
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA