His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
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So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
This 4th of July, please remember…
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Leaving the Barbers like
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together