His flabber was gasted 😂
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If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…