His flabber was gasted 😂
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I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
my nickname in college
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.