His flabber was gasted 馃槀
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#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.聽
it鈥檚 a van. how do they not know this
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you鈥檙e 35 and realise it鈥檚 a chilling documentary.
sure I鈥檒l interpret that dream for you, it鈥檚 about hydration, they鈥檙e all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Promising I won鈥檛 tell anyone your secret doesn鈥檛 include my husband. He鈥檚 basically my diary.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!