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He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*