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just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
The internet is full of many things
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon