His flabber was gasted š
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[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
Iāve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[watching TV]
āBuy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…ā
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
They say ādo something today that makes the world a better placeāā¦ā¦.so Iām getting drunk.
āTHE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!ā
~me, parenting teens
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I couldnāt take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Momās
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what Iām thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
We’ve all been there…
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell āWHY CANāT YOU DRIVEā through their speakers
me: lord if youāre up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that couldāve been anyone
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
12 decided heās into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
it must be school picture day
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body