His flabber was gasted 馃槀
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My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn鈥檛 even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn鈥檛 require my immediate presence
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resum茅 says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]