His flabber was gasted 😂
You Might Also Like
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
long lost
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I