His flabber was gasted 😂
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Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️