Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus