His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
The answer is funnier than the question
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me