His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
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Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
Life hack
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.