@Cpin42

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

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@SortaBad

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

@HTXBlonde

“It’s funny how red, white, and blue represents freedom until it’s your rear view mirror flashing behind you.”

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

@PhilJamesson

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

@Sickayduh

The mall crowd parts as I shuffle through after waking up naked on the food court floor. “Too pudgy to be a terminator” says one woman.

@turtledumplin

Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

@HatfieldAnne

To everyone I ever mocked for accidentally running your earbuds through the washer: I have some news that will please you.

@AaronFullerton

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*