His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
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I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.