Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

orange cat behavior

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)