“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
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[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
it’s finally my moment to shine
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.