“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
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Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I’m never leaving this app.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
it’s finally my moment to shine
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer