“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
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me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.