“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
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*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
time for some seasonal decor
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.