His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
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Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
an airline just for babies.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?