Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

Typos are what differentiates is from robots