Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.