Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Signs that your wife is cheating on you:
1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
date: i am interested in a charming guy
[to impress her]
me [lifts off flute]: awesome, hold this snake