@girl_a_whirl

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

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@mortimermaiden

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

@Bob_Janke

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

@darksidedeb

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

@TheHyyyype

Signs that your wife is cheating on you:

1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude

@GoodZiIIa

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

@meghaffer

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

@bulls_horns

25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.

@DeadLioness

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

@Shen_the_Bird

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

@Jerrypleasure

date: i am interested in a charming guy

[to impress her]

me [lifts off flute]: awesome, hold this snake