His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
You Might Also Like
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
My sex drive has a dui
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.