His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
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While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Dear Lord..
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”