His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
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ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.