Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
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The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
White parent Vs Arab parents
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
HR said no more nunchucks.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge