Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

Welcome to the stomach

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.