His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
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“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”