His palm trees are Serengeti, destination wedding, luggage is heavy
There’s vomit on his tux already, Dollar store confetti
You Might Also Like
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I put the dance in “Good riddance!”
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Me in tagged photos
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.