Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets