Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

Reminder:

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.