His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

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-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.

“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”

-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!


OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome


That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”


robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest


1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*


THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy


[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!


seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!


CNN reporting that CNN will be reporting something on CNN.
Tune in to CNN for all of the up-to-the-minute stuff CNN is reporting.


I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.