-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.
“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”
-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
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OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“I’m not racist, but,” -Racists
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
gf: this is so hot, seth!
seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
CNN reporting that CNN will be reporting something on CNN.
Tune in to CNN for all of the up-to-the-minute stuff CNN is reporting.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.