Gonna be a fiscal conservative for Halloween
First kid gets all my candy, then I assume it’ll trickle down to the rest of the neighborhood
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
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Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.
They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.
Does everyone have that ONE follower who will Fav the hell outta every RT…but wouldn’t even piss on your own tweets if they were on fire?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges
Me: And how is my eraser?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I just got laid. But don’t worry, I was totally thinking about you guys the whole time.
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Don’t waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide….. no one ever brings them back.