His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
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[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Breaking news:
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?