@msdanifernandez

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

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@jules_su

Gonna be a fiscal conservative for Halloween

First kid gets all my candy, then I assume it’ll trickle down to the rest of the neighborhood

@SteveKoehler22

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

@_MustBeArkaydia

Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.

@kcmoore51

Does everyone have that ONE follower who will Fav the hell outta every RT…but wouldn’t even piss on your own tweets if they were on fire?

@JasonNotEvil

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

@ArfMeasures

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

@ThrillHicks

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

@the_mom_dot_com

I just got laid. But don’t worry, I was totally thinking about you guys the whole time.

@DanMentos

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

@roadkill3x

Don’t waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide….. no one ever brings them back.